Gentle

While I was in yoga class today attempting to "relax" into a side bending, squatting, stretching pose (don't ask me the name cause I don't have a clue) I had a revelation.  I don't think it was the big  "Enlightenment" but rather a small "enlightenment" that made me realize I need to be much gentler with myself.   Let me explain.


Over the years I have engaged in numerous sporting events.  Basketball and softball throughout high school and volleyball all through college.  I attempted rugby at one point and considered playing football (American) during these times as well.  The list of injuries I accumulated is a never-ending one: concussion (I mean who slides into a brick wall instead of home plate?), sprained ankles, dislocated fingers, busted nose, strained shoulder, and one broke back and dead leg.  But I always thought, well I seem to heal fast so what the hell - just keep going.


Then somewhere in the back of my mind I realized that maybe team sports were not the way to go.  College volleyball wore me out, mentally and physically, and the thought of having to be on one more team with one more bitchy coach left a bad taste in my mouth. So I turned to running.


Running.  A sport of individuality that can be done in a group but you compete on your own. No fancy equipment really needed, just some decent shoes and breathable clothes, open space and on you go. But, that back injury and dead leg thing from my college days stayed with me throughout my running.  Once that was somewhat under control I then developed...fuckin sciatica!  So now I can put that to the list of injuries along with a tight IT band on my left side and a pinch nerve in my right shoulder (who in the hell pinches a shoulder nerve in running?  I do) and tense neck muscles.  Essentially I am verging (or am I already there) on being a HOT...ASS...MESS.


Today in yoga as my body protested with every upward dog, downward dog, side bend, back bend, kneeing and sitting posture it hit me that I need to be more gentle with myself.   Gentle is a word I don't use when describing my relationship with myself.  I go hard or go home - not use to any other way of understanding how to do things.  I powered through my education, never stopping on the quest to a PhD and I am making my deadline of finishing before 30.  I powered through grief of loosing my dad and of trying to loose all the weight it took me years to put on.  Now I am fully aware that my body just can't power through another damn run or gym session when it is obviously telling me to slow (or sit) the fuck down and chill out.  I think it is time to listen this time around.


So I am re-evaluating my physical activity goals and giving myself a bit more flexibility in my time frame for all those competitions I want to do.  I am keeping up this yoga thing cause "everyone" tells me it is good for my body and mind.  Even though I wanted to throw up and sit down at the same time while in class today I have to agree.  Come on, where else would I learn that I not only have tight hamstrings, tight hips, tight groin muscles but ALSO tight ankles (to the degree where me and child's pose are not even associates yet) and then LEARN how to "breathe" into the tightness to loosen it up?  


I could easily say F it and go back to what I know - pounding the roads and hitting the weights hard but...I really don't want to.  And that is a good thing I think.  Self-realization is a bitch, but when you actually start listening to your body the things it tells you are amazing.  So simple, yet so true.  That simplicity is what I forget sometimes.  Of course it makes more sense for me to take a few months and focus on my flexibility and hit the pool and bike to take the stress off my joints and nerves.  Of course it makes more sense for me NOT to train for my first marathon and run it while I am are also writing and scheduled to defend my dissertation so I can graduate after 12 years of higher education.  Of course it makes sense to practice activities that calm my mind so I can handle the current and impending stress.  But as my dad use to say...not all sense is common and not all people have sense. 

Thoughts on the road

I run to clear my mind.  I run to strengthen my body and mind.  I run to just get away from it all, from the expectations of school, others, even myself.  I run even when it doesn't feel good because I know in the end it will feel great.  Every time I run I learn more and more about myself, both the good and the bad.  As I love to put things in lists below I lay out a few of the lessons learned on today's 4 mile tempo run at The Downs.

1) It's not a good idea to eat spaghetti right before a run:  Now I realize why people carb load the night BEFORE a run.  I wasn't intending on trying to carb load before a run but I was hungry and the pasta was cooked.  It tasted good going down but man after mile 1 my stomach was rebelling as a nice cramp made its way right in the center of my midsection making the run a painful one for the first 20 minutes.

2) Sciatica sucks: Today was actually suppose to be my 8 mile slow run and tomorrow a 4 mile tempo run but after mile 2 (once the stomach stop rebelling) the hip and knee on the right side just had to kick in.  A warm burning sensation made its way from my right glute down the lateral side of my leg and wrapping around the knee, continuing on down the lateral side of the calf and ending at the toes (the picture is a great representation of this).  With every step the pain became greater, but with every step my mind grew stronger, cancelling out one another long enough for me to finish the first loop.  As I began to worry about not being able to run 13.1 miles I remembered that just a week before my 5 mile tempo and 7 mile endurance run went well, reminding me that..

3) Not every run is going to be great, but at least I got out: Pain is in the mind, just as much as it is in the body.  Every run is different - some are great and I seem to glide on air as I up my mileage while others hurt from step one and don't get any better as time goes on.  Either way, I have to learn how to maintain when the not so great runs come along and make adjustments.  Like any sport, most of the race/game/event is in the mind more so than the body.  Everyday I imagine myself at the start line, taking off, running the 13.1 miles and ending with a strong stride and smile.  Today, after the run I told myself there is always tomorrow and at least I got out and finished the run today.  Then, looking down at my finishing time I soon realized...

4) Hot Damn I am getting FASTER: That's right I said faster (not fatter)!  As I have mentioned before, I do not have a runners body...and I don't want one.  I am looking to lean out, creating strength and definition in my body along the way.  But, I am slowly understanding that not having a runners body doesn't mean I will be a slow waddler.  During todays run Mike looked at me and said "nice pace."  I said to him (or rather snapped cause I was flippin tired and didn't want talk) "well I'm trying to keep up with you!"  He promptly replied "um no I am keeping up with you."  At the end of the loop I realized that I cut over 45 seconds off my mile time, including a 5 minute walk around 29 minutes to stretch out my hip.  My pace is picking up naturally.  This is causing my hip to flare up when I am on hard surfaces as my cadence increases.  Hence, the 8 mile endurance run today turned into a 4 mile tempo run.  Where I could have found a disappointment I actually found out more about myself - I can run and do it a bit quicker.  I can keep this up as long as I stick with my new best friend...

5) The foam roller: My new best friend is my trusty foam roller.  I get on this baby 2 times a day, laying on my side and rolling over my tight as hell IT bands.  By doing this I am trying to loosen up and elongate the essential muscles needed to power through runs.  The tightness in the right hip is my body trying to compensate for weak glutes and inner thighs.  The pilates and strength training are working, but nothing beats the foam roller.  When I neglect it my body pays the price.


Seriously, I am learning to like and love myself again.  Running is making me see I can do the things I only dream about and more importantly that I am worth investing in.  When I "let myself go" a year ago I was in a dark place (maybe I will write about that more, I am not sure yet).  I didn't see my body as a space to take care of because my mind was all over the place, trying to please other people and live up to their expectations.  Now, every step I take in my running trainers shows me that I am capable of more.  I see my body as a space and place of caring and warmth, not one to dump trash into and destroy.  Running is keeping my mind strong, my body lean, and my spirit alive.   That was a nice revelation on the road today.