Lost

I have to pull out of the Bristol half marathon.  My right hip can't handle the mileage or the pain at this point.  I realized this Sunday after running only 2 miles.  I stopped, looked at Mike and started to cry.  My frustrations crept up as I could feel my pace getting better and my stride becoming stronger, but my hip just gave up.  I stretched and started again, this time only lasting another 10 minutes before my run turned into a jog and then a pathetic limp.

It was then it hit me in the face that I have 5 weeks left and have only completed a 4 miler for a long run - that just won't cut it for the 13 mile event.  So I have to drop out and start again.

I'm waiting for the referral to a physio by the doctor I saw and need to go in and get x-rays done tomorrow of my right hip and lower back.  But I've been down this route before and know what I really need is another MRI, a full back X-ray and someone to readjust my hips and rehab my back.  That takes money I don't have and time I am loosing so I'll just have to make due and use my remedy of cutting the fat off my body, strengthening my core and stretching like crazy.  However I do need some professional help so I need this damn referral to get here sooner rather than later.

Honestly, it hurts a bit.  I had it in my mind to run this race and now that it is gone I am a little depressed.  I still plan to run Rome marathon next March and will start a 6 month progression program for that in September.  I am hoping by then to be in a rehab program that will work well with the training and have my shoulder in good enough shape to begin yoga once again (seems as if I tore something there but the doctor ignored it so I need to go back and have them look at that again - don't ask me how I did it cause I really don't know but it hurts like a bitch to raise my arm and I can't put weight on the damn thing).

Overall I am a little lost.  The writing is overwhelming - trying to balance it and working is hard at best. The running gave me some balance but now I need to cut down the mileage so I am turning to spinning as an alternative and hitting the trails when I can to keep the pressure of the road off my hip.  But it really doesn't feel the same as a long run on a Saturday morning...

I miss having close friends around and sometimes I go through periods of feeling utterly alone and hopeless.  I want my mom which is strange since I have been on my own for over 10 years, but I guess every girl wants their mom at some point in their life no matter how fucked up or strange that relationshop.  I try and go out but I get annoyed as I'm not drinking and I'm tired of people trying to push a drink down my throat or asking me the same boring ass questions week after week-  "Where are you from?  How long have you been here?  Do you like it here?  What do you study?"  I've learned to never ask those questions to others as just trying to spit out those words makes my skin crawl.

Ok, so I am in an annoyed mood that may pass - don't know when but it will pass...

6 weeks

I have 6 weeks left of training before my half marathon September 5th in Bristol.  The problem is I haven't  gone longer than a 5 miler due to the hip and foot problems I've been having lately.  My first appointment with a GP (or doctor) is this Friday and hopefully the lady will refer me to a specialist in lower back/hip pain or to a sport doctor who has dealt with these issues in runners. 

There is no option to quit or just not do the race.  It's in my mind and once there it's hard to erase.  So, in the meantime I have decided to up the cross training big time.  Spinning three times a week on top of 2 lifting sessions and if i am luck 2-3 runs with one long run on Sunday's is the plan of action.  As long as I can hit a 10 miler before the half and keep my endurance up I know mentally I can do because the first half of the race is run on pure adrenaline and the second half of wanting to finish and have a beer (or at least this is how I run these things).

Anyone who has run a half or full marathon or done any other distance racing will tell you the worst part is the training.  Period. I mean who wants to go to bed at a decent time on the weekends just so you can get up on a Saturday or Sunday morning to go for a "quick 10-12 miler" before starting your day?  Drinking is curb dramatically as running hungover is not a pleasant experience.   Once I get into the marathon training, which happens right after I finish my half, I will be working up to 10 milers during the week with 18-20 mile long runs on the weekend. That shit doesn't sound like fun to me.  But the rewards outweigh the pain and to get my body into a shape that I can complete the training makes the actual race day a hell of a lot easier on my mind and body.  

But first things first - I'll see what this NHS business is all about and try and get my hip sorted.  I need rehab - I know that much but I don't want to keep guessing what kind and paying for things I just don't really like (pilates) or going to people who say I just shouldn't run (like the osteopath) or to plain dumbasses (like the physio).   Yoga would be good but I can't put pressure on my right shoulder anymore (pain in the ass really).  So, off to the doctor I go... I'll let you know what happens next.  

Frustration

Yesterday I made my way after work to one of the local running stores I frequent for running gear in order to see one of their physiotherapist that comes in twice a week.  I thought since the physio was affiliated with a well know and reputable running store that it would be a good idea to go and get my hips and ankles checked out.

 I am now 8 weeks from the Bristol half marathon and have only managed to get in a 4miler as my long run due to intense pain in my right hip, knee, and ankle.  Sleeping is becoming a bigger problem as lying on my back is a no-go due to my back injury.  After 15 seconds on my back my right leg begins to tingle and by 1 minute it's on fire.  This forces me to sleep on my side but sciatica makes sleeping on either hip for more than 30 minutes uncomfortable.  Now my left hip begins to scream in pain the longer I sleep on it making me toss and turn all night.  Last night I had to literally sit up in bed at 4 am and wait till the pain subsided before I did the toss dance once more until 8am.  So needless to say I am tired of being in pain and just plan old tired from not getting a full night sleep.  Topped with a job that is a little demanding and writing a dissertation I am one transcript away from bashing my own face into the floor, or at least from booking another short vacation where I can maybe take a breath before plunging back into the hell they call PhD writing.

Trying to think logically I decided on this physio. Now normally I am anal retentive and check out the history and performance of the people I am paying to see about my back/hips/knees.  I have been in pain since 2002 and so far I have seen a number of general doctors, sport doctors, osteopaths, neurologists, physiotherapists, osteopaths, yoga instructors, personal trainers and one pilates instructor.  For the most part I might feel less pain for a little but then over time another area gets infected and the pain comes back double time.  I refuse to have surgery as the idea of fusing my back is a little to extreme.  All I want is a program or routine that I can do to calm down the pain and allow me to sit, run, and sleep in minimum discomfort.  So the idea of a physio who treats runners sounds great to me.  I didn't do any other checks on this guy, I just signed up online for a 45 minute initial consultation and took my happy ass down to the store.

First, the physio was 50 minutes last in seeing me because he had another client.  Far enough - I can wait as I imagined some lean running physio who knows what they are talking about and can relate to someone who loves and needs to run.  When he finally came upstairs he was short, balding and had a belly.  Ok, ok - my imagination was shattered but I still had faith.  That was until we finally got down into the physio room and for 1 hour - that's 60 minutes - he  like talked at me and was more concerned about seeing me sit in front of a computer screen then looking at my stance or getting a full history.  I sat there and tried to recite to him my full medical history from the time of my back break to  the present.  I've only done this shit over 40 times in the past few years so know how to get the information out in a concise manner so that we can get down to treatment.  BUT NO...he kept talking about himself and how running 9 minutes was a big deal for him and about me getting a better desk and computer and how he was hoping to get me running again.

That was when I had enough and said - NO, I am ALEADY running and TRAINING for my SECOND HALF MARATHON and came here to see if you can HELP ME be in LESS PAIN while I train.  Then I explained I did a previous half last March in Prague and plan to do the Rome Marathon March 20 of next year.  I gave him my time for Prague and he had the cheek to comment on how slow that was!  THEN he proceded to make the comment that with the injuries and pain I have he was surprised that 1) I was still in a PhD program (don't ask cause I am still confused by this) and 2) that I was rather ambitious and very focus to be trying for these events.

Oh...but it doesn't stop there.  Then he kept asking me how I was funded as someone studying for this high of a degree from the States must be either 1) very bright or 2) well funded.  Which was I?  I looked at him and said "Well both."  By this time I want to gouge his eyes out.  But I didn't. I just waited until he was done.  Pissed that I had to pay him £45 for this shit he called a session he then said he would be with me all the way and that for the first few weeks we need to see each other twice a week for 45 minutes if not an hour depending on my finances. I looked at him and said I don't know, let me think about it and then walked outside into the fresh sunshine.

Pissed I found Mike up the street, ordered myself a Chai Latte (I wanted a damn shot but I am not drinking for a while - I'll write on that later), got into the car, had a nice rant, and then went home.

What now? I don't have a fuckin clue. All I can do is keep up with my workouts and incorporate more of a run/walk technique so that I finish a little faster but in less pain.  Some may ask - why run if it hurts?  I say it hurts more not to run.  It hurts more not to be in shape and not to the weight less.  It hurts more physically, mentally, and emotionally when I see my body loose its shape and hardness and turn into a pudgy hot mess.  I run to keep my fitness but also my sanity as I once again take on to many things.  I have to finish this PhD by next May and I want to. I want to being my 30s out of school  - it's like a fresh start for me really.  So I keep running and I'll keep searching for the doctor/osteo/physio that will work for me.  Until then I'll just be a slightly cranky bitch...

Vacation

 I am on vacation (or holiday) for 2 weeks in the States.  After a few "issues" with my own family in Chicago before I left the UK, Mike and I decided that we would spend the whole 2 weeks in Michigan with his family.  I was apprehensive at first - last time we stayed with his parents was exactly one year ago when we were preparing for our big overseas adventure.  At that time things were stressful, Mike had a drunken accident, and we were all about to kill each other.

This time things are quite chill.  Mike has been gone for a year and so his family is just happy to have him home.  For the past week we have done nothing more than run, cook, read, and watch as much Bravo tv as we can (you know you LOVE the Real Housewives Franchise just as much as I do).  For the first time in a long time I am actually learning to relax...to a point.

It's funny - the more relaxed I get the more I feel like I should be doing work.  I check my email expecting something from work to pop up or anticipating reading a new article or policy that is related to my research.  I told my boss that for the 2 weeks I was off I would be OFF - no emails, no texting, no asking me to do something as I wanted to have a real holiday.  Now that I have it I am finding it a little hard to actually fully enjoy the time off - it's sick!  I meet with my adviser on Friday to go over my dissertation and so although I did all of my prep for that meeting before I left Bristol and sent it to her I still feel like I should be reading/writing.

But, I am not and am trying to teach myself the art of time off.  I bitch about wanting a break but when I get them I don't know what to do with myself.  I ran a 5K race two days after arriving in the US and have been running consistently since then which is a good thing, been trying to see a few friends, and trying to catch up on some fun reading.  I guess that is what relaxing is?  Who knows.  But for now I know that I needed the time off to calm my mind and my body before the the next 10 months of writing, working and running commence.  Now the World Cup..USA, USA, USA...

Half Marathon Number 2

This week marks the start of my 4 month training program for my second half marathon.  I'll run the Bristol half September 5, 2010.  A flat course around the city I will try to beat my time of 2:52 which shouldn't be that hard to do!


I'm using a different training program and adding on 4 more weeks of formal training to get myself 1) in better shape and 2) a faster time.  The last race in Prague was great but my injuries flared up bad at mile 10 causing me to walk the last 2 of the 3 miles.  Mental strength was what got me through as my right side was dead on arrival once I crossed the finish line.

Now, I train!  Can't lie, my body is hurtin already so going slowly into my mileage is the plan for now.  My hips ache at night and my right arch is usually on fire and tight but my pace has picked up quite nicely and I am learning how to stretch and strengthen my weak areas.  My visa has tied up a bit of my money so extras like pilates and sport massage have to be put on hold until the middle of the summer once the visa is secured.  So until then all I can do is remember what I learned in those sessions and do them on my own.  But, it's not so bad to be honest.  Running on a schedule gives me structure and helps me balance work, school and life.  The fact that I can even still run with the injuries I have sustained makes me amazed at what the human body can heal and endure.  So I will start to update my progress once again - the ups and downs, the body fat reduction and the pint consumption (cause really you have to balance the two) until I cross that line once again in the city where I live.

Ok, maybe the rhyming was a bit much but you see what I mean.

Forest

Sunday afternoon I spent in the woods.  With trees all around me and Mike in front of me we walked for a little while through a small part of forest on a massive estate in Bristol called Ashton Court.  Although slightly hungover I found the forest to cure my stomach pains as I took in the scenery all around me.  The trees were grand with the leaves starting to come out again and the flowers beginning to bloom.  A faint smell of lavender hung in the air and the trails were compact enough to walk on having dried up from the rain.  And the best part was that we didn't run into a single person while in the forest - only when we were in a clearing and on the open land did we see families with kids and dogs going for a "Sunday stroll" or runners braving the windy conditions to get the miles in.  But once we receded back into the forest it was as if time stood still and the only people in the world were Mike and myself with some trees.

It's funny, growing up outside a city made me think that I would only every like city life.  The concrete jungle with all its noise, shops, bars, people, stuff seemed like my idea of heaven on Earth. I was to be that city girl with all the bangs and whistles (or something like that).  Then something slowly started to happen - I got sick of being around a bunch of people in a hot ass city with no circulation because of the tall ass buildings that looked into other tall ass buildings.  I got tired to the price of rent for a box that may or may not include a damn bathroom or kitchen.

But I also began to run and running in a city with nothing but buildings all around you and concrete sidewalks underneath you gets boring and painful real quick.  And I moved - moved to a place where the countryside is at my backdoor and I found I really liked it.  My stress goes down and my face lights up once I am outside and surrounded by the beauty of a forest.  Mountains are cool but to be honest scare the shit out of me.  I will still hike them and attempt to climb them but my fear sits at the top my throat and my feet become more hesitant as I am exposed to the harshness that a mountain can bring.  But in the forest I am surrounded, embraced really, by the dense trees, grass, and wildlife that creates the landscape.  In the abundance and richness of the colors and the peaceful sounds that are produced I find that I am...happy.  HAHA.  It's a funny thing to just be and then to just be happy and content but on that short walk through the forest I found myself just happy to be where I was.  It was nice to know I can go back again and again (with over 850 acres to explore) and its only a 10 minute drive away.

Prague

I ran my first half marathon on Saturday March 27, 2010 in the beautiful city of Prague under partly clouded skies in a sea of 7500 other people.  I ran that half marathon in memory of dad who passed on March 29, 2006.  In a time of 2:52:11, I crossed the finished line tired, thirsty, hungry, and proud.  Proud that I did my training, proud that I made it to the starting line, and proud that I never let negative thoughts cross my mind as I ran in the back for the whole race.

My nerves where on edge before the run.  The day of I didn't want to eat - my stomach kept churning and my bathroom breaks became much more frequent.  I managed to eat a bagel and a banana, loading up my pockets with my trusty GO Gels and my Ipod.  With my water bottle in one hand, my Canadian buff on my head (thanks Zoe!), and my race number pinned to the front I set off, finally crossing the start line 5 minutes after the gun went off.

Surprisingly I felt good for the first part.  I ran conservatively for the first 5K, trying to keep a steady pace.  For the next 10K my pace picked up a bit.  I ran next to various people from time to time, but for the most part I was by myself watching others in front of me or passing them to the side.  As I passed each the kilometer marker my confidence kind of grew.  I was actually running a half marathon!

Then...I hit...the wall.  Or something like it.  At 15 K my right leg started to give.  My hamstrings had enough, and they were telling me in a powerful way to stop.  I hadn't run longer than 10 miles so when I hit that marker and kept going my lower body started to rebel.  My dreams of a time of 2:30 went as my run turned into a run-walk which then turned into straight walking for at least 1 1/2 miles.  The people around me were also walking, all of us just trying to finish before the emergency vehicles behind us told us to stop.

But, I never had any negative thoughts - I just kept moving.  When I saw the 20K marker I knew I was almost there so I made my legs go faster, getting back up to running pace.  As I crossed the bridge I saw the crowds cheering and the blue carpet and my legs became faster.  I was actually going to finish a half marathon, I told myself.  As I crossed the finish line Mike was there with his trusty camera snapping the oh so not flattering pictures of a face twisted in exhaustion and pain.  But, I was so happy to see him there.  I fell into his arms and said "I am never doing that shit again."

Here I am, 2 days later and still a bit sore.  My knees are a bit shattered and the right IT band is not happy, but I did it.  And, I plan to do it again in October somewhere in Europe.  That race was one of the first times  I can remember where I was just being.  Although I had my Ipod in, after the first hour I was barely listening to the music. Instead, I was taking it all in - the city, the cobbled stones (which I might add are a bitch to run on), the other runners.  I was just there and it was nice: no thoughts of papers, articles, readings, moving, professors.  It was just me, my body and mind working together to get through the race.  At kilometer 12 I remember looking up into the cloudy sky and asking my dad to help me get through the race and it hit me that running is saving me.  Running is saving me from a life of worry and sadness, from anger and self hating.  When I run I feel alive, and I feel as if I know why I live.  I am not fast now and I don't really need to be (although I will try to improve on that time cause damn it was a long time to be out there on a flat course), but I like the feeling of going out there for a long time and seeing what the body can do.   This body is made to move.

Training

It's been 12 weeks since I started my training program for the half marathon in Prague.  On Saturday morning, March 27th, at 11 am my foot will be on the starting line (well in the back of the pack) and I will run my first 13.1 mile race.  A flat fast 1 loop course in the heart of the city around the river, the race is suppose to have bands/music every kilometer and beer at the end (what more can you ask for).  But, as every cliche sport movies, or your old high school/college coach tells you, it is not about the destination but the journey.

My journey involved a 12 week training schedule that I started January 4, 2010.  Beforehand I was working out, trying to shed some weight from my frame and build a decent mileage base.  But once January hit I knew I had to get on a training program and then, well, stick to the damn thing until race day appeared.  I found a schedule that was do-able for a scared first timer whose longest run ever was a 4 miler, once, when I was "attempting" to train for a half marathon right before I left for a 3 week holiday to Thailand.  Needless to say a bad case of travellers diarrhoea on the way back and a long, hard, cold Michigan winter nipped that idea before it ever really got started.

But this time I told myself that I just had to suck it up and do the damn thing.  So run I did, along with the strength training and rehab on my hip.  With each mile I put in I discovered that I cold actually run!  It is an amazing feeling to know that the thing I see "other people who are smaller/faster/younger/older than me" do I can also do myself.

Through running I rediscovered my non academic side - the side of me that just likes to be active for active sakes.  To be sweaty and so physically exhausted that by 8pm on a Saturday night my bed looks a hell of a lot more enticing then a pub/bar, nice clothes, or makeup - and I don't feel "lame" or bad about it.  I found a new spark in life, even through the stress of fieldwork, reports, talks, and now the dreaded data analysis and write-up phase to come.  And you know what...it's kind of nice. It's nice to know that I can release from stress by putting on my trainers and going outside for a run or hike rather than sitting in a pub or in my living room drowning my sorrows in a pint, seeing the pounds pack on around my waist, and then having some more cause I feel overweight.

Now, I am not saying all is perfect in the little land of England - but it is stable and I like that.  Writing down in my running journal every run gave me a sense of accomplishment and as the weeks went on I could see my mileage slowly improving along with my times.  My feet felt lighter and my waist smaller.  The puffiness in my face began to disappear, wiping away the relics of a year of bad habits.  I found out over these past 12 weeks that I can start, and now finish, a running schedule.

So after Saturday I'll enjoy 2 days more in Prague, come back to Bristol and move house, prepare an article and a talk, and find another race to run.  Keeping the balance between career and personal life is hard at best, but I realised with the right training plan in hand all things can be possible.

Thankful

Sometimes you just have to give thanks.  I am not religious per se, but I am getting more and more into a spiritual place in order to deal with, and understand, this thing we call life.  I use to be angry - angry at life for putting me in a body I despised, angry at my mom for being so cold towards me, angry at my dad for not doing anything about my mom, angry at my finances and how hard I had to push to just make ends meet in college and graduate school while others around me had all the support they need.  Then, one day I got tired of being angry, being sad, being depressed, and constantly hiding that I was those things through fake smiles and overextending myself to self absorbed others.  I don't really know when it happened, but it happened slowly over time sometime after my father passed.  It is still happening, everyday as I learn how to turn my anger and disappointment into gratitude.  I am learning how to be thankful.

So what am I thankful for?  I am thankful I can walk, and now run.  My lower back injury left me bedridden 9 years ago in Ireland the third week I was there.  I couldn't stand or sit for seven full days.  Then  one day I was able to walk, although the compromise was a lack of feeling in my right leg.  Over the years doctors told me I wouldn't be able to run - the injury was permanent and I may never get feeling back.  But, now my base runs are 4 miles with longer runs steadily going up (I have a 9 miler this Saturday).

I am thankful that I don't take no for an answer.  Yes, the road I had to travel to get to where I am now was a long one, full of mental anguish and constant battles to be taken seriously as a researcher and anthropologist.  But it was that fight, that journey, that has allowed me success today.  Without the fights, tears, setbacks and re-workings I wouldn't be able to finish this degree.  I found out how much I wanted to get my doctorate with every grant rejection letter and snide comment from fellow graduate students and faculty.  Also, by not accepting no for an answer I am learning that my body can do things I only dreamed of a year ago.  For that I am thankful.

I am also thankful for my mother.  We have a rough relationship to say to least.  I did not have the rebellious teenage years one sees in movies or hears about on talk shows because, simply put,  I wasn't allowed.  I grew up fast as I had to learn to help manage a full house and go to school.  As the oldest it was my responsibility to help raise the 4 younger kids, clean the house everyday, and then obtain perfect grades in school. I was to be the first in my family to go to college and finish, period.  There was no room for discussion or back-talk.  When my father had a stroke when I was 16 and my mom an emergency hysterectomy and 2 knee replacements a few months later I had to run the house.  Sports became the one and only outlet I was allowed to indulge in.

College was my escape and I was able to start to figure out who I was outside of my family and my mother's gaze.  Yet, when my father died old habits came back and my mother went crazy (to put it nicely).  I was now the spawn of the devil, an insolent child that didn't help enough for, after all, that was my role as the oldest.  This time I had a voice and I could speak up, respectfully of course, and speak up I did.  We went weeks without talking.  All I wanted was a mother and I think my mother just wanted her oldest daughter.  When I moved to England something happened - my mom started to become a mom.  Since November we have been going well, with only a few ups and downs.  I have come to be thankful of what my mom went through supporting 5 kids and my dad and what she is doing now to make sure I am ok in a new country.  So I am thankful for her, for without that experience growing up I don't think I would have been mature enough to go to college, finish, and continue on.

Lastly, I am thankful to just be alive.  Running has brought that feeling back to me - something I let slip far to often in the past.  To walk outside, no matter the weather, look around, put on my headphones and feel my feet move from underneath me in a rhythmic manner.  Breathing in the cool air I can't help but smile and just be thankful to have seen another day.

So, what are you thankful for?

Music and Memories

I run to music - I use it to pace myself and to take my mind of the pain.  So, my IPod has become an essential piece of my running kit (along with the compression pants, water bottles, and food).  With the mileage increasing I am finding it necessary to put more and different music on it to keep the runs interesting and my mind guessing about what song will be next.

Last night I decided to update the play list so went searching on ITunes for more jams.  To be honest, music right now kind of sucks - it all sounds the same no matter what genre you go under and the lyrics are less than motivating or inspiring (well, the new Maxwell and Anthony Hamilton are damn fine pieces of work and I have to admit I am a Lady Gaga fan - don't hate).  So I started to type in artists I use to listen to back when buying a CD was cool and one of those artists was Wynonna Judd.  Going through the songs I came across That Was Yesterday from her 1993 Tell Me Why album.  I downloaded the song and put it on my country play list.

Today, about 4 miles into my run the song came on and as her powerful, soulful, country voice went through the song I suddenly had a flashback to Christmas morning circa 1993 or 1994.  My dad had surprised me by getting me a new CD player and 3 (yes 3) CDs!  A big deal at that time I was excited as I could finally say I had a CD player. The 3 CDs were a compilation of the Beatles, Billy Ray Cyrus' Some Gave All and Wynonna Judds' Tell Me Why album.  I didn't care for the Beatles that much but I played that Wynonna Judd CD over and over again, soaking in her voice and wishing I could belt it out like her.

Although I grew up on the Far Southside of Chicago everyday going to school in my dad's FORD (Fix Or Repair Daily as he told me on more than one occasion) van we would listen 99.5 US99 - the country station.  So my love of country grew at an early age as my dad would tell me about growing up in Southern Illinois and then moving to Oklahoma for a while.  I loved it and I loved him so I associated (and still do) country music with my dad.  Today, as I continued on in my run a smile crept upon my face as these memories flooded back into my mind.  It's amazing how music can bring back memories, both good and bad.  I'll keep this song on my IPod (and keep on running) and hold onto it as another memory of a man I miss everyday.

Thoughts on the road

I run to clear my mind.  I run to strengthen my body and mind.  I run to just get away from it all, from the expectations of school, others, even myself.  I run even when it doesn't feel good because I know in the end it will feel great.  Every time I run I learn more and more about myself, both the good and the bad.  As I love to put things in lists below I lay out a few of the lessons learned on today's 4 mile tempo run at The Downs.

1) It's not a good idea to eat spaghetti right before a run:  Now I realize why people carb load the night BEFORE a run.  I wasn't intending on trying to carb load before a run but I was hungry and the pasta was cooked.  It tasted good going down but man after mile 1 my stomach was rebelling as a nice cramp made its way right in the center of my midsection making the run a painful one for the first 20 minutes.

2) Sciatica sucks: Today was actually suppose to be my 8 mile slow run and tomorrow a 4 mile tempo run but after mile 2 (once the stomach stop rebelling) the hip and knee on the right side just had to kick in.  A warm burning sensation made its way from my right glute down the lateral side of my leg and wrapping around the knee, continuing on down the lateral side of the calf and ending at the toes (the picture is a great representation of this).  With every step the pain became greater, but with every step my mind grew stronger, cancelling out one another long enough for me to finish the first loop.  As I began to worry about not being able to run 13.1 miles I remembered that just a week before my 5 mile tempo and 7 mile endurance run went well, reminding me that..

3) Not every run is going to be great, but at least I got out: Pain is in the mind, just as much as it is in the body.  Every run is different - some are great and I seem to glide on air as I up my mileage while others hurt from step one and don't get any better as time goes on.  Either way, I have to learn how to maintain when the not so great runs come along and make adjustments.  Like any sport, most of the race/game/event is in the mind more so than the body.  Everyday I imagine myself at the start line, taking off, running the 13.1 miles and ending with a strong stride and smile.  Today, after the run I told myself there is always tomorrow and at least I got out and finished the run today.  Then, looking down at my finishing time I soon realized...

4) Hot Damn I am getting FASTER: That's right I said faster (not fatter)!  As I have mentioned before, I do not have a runners body...and I don't want one.  I am looking to lean out, creating strength and definition in my body along the way.  But, I am slowly understanding that not having a runners body doesn't mean I will be a slow waddler.  During todays run Mike looked at me and said "nice pace."  I said to him (or rather snapped cause I was flippin tired and didn't want talk) "well I'm trying to keep up with you!"  He promptly replied "um no I am keeping up with you."  At the end of the loop I realized that I cut over 45 seconds off my mile time, including a 5 minute walk around 29 minutes to stretch out my hip.  My pace is picking up naturally.  This is causing my hip to flare up when I am on hard surfaces as my cadence increases.  Hence, the 8 mile endurance run today turned into a 4 mile tempo run.  Where I could have found a disappointment I actually found out more about myself - I can run and do it a bit quicker.  I can keep this up as long as I stick with my new best friend...

5) The foam roller: My new best friend is my trusty foam roller.  I get on this baby 2 times a day, laying on my side and rolling over my tight as hell IT bands.  By doing this I am trying to loosen up and elongate the essential muscles needed to power through runs.  The tightness in the right hip is my body trying to compensate for weak glutes and inner thighs.  The pilates and strength training are working, but nothing beats the foam roller.  When I neglect it my body pays the price.


Seriously, I am learning to like and love myself again.  Running is making me see I can do the things I only dream about and more importantly that I am worth investing in.  When I "let myself go" a year ago I was in a dark place (maybe I will write about that more, I am not sure yet).  I didn't see my body as a space to take care of because my mind was all over the place, trying to please other people and live up to their expectations.  Now, every step I take in my running trainers shows me that I am capable of more.  I see my body as a space and place of caring and warmth, not one to dump trash into and destroy.  Running is keeping my mind strong, my body lean, and my spirit alive.   That was a nice revelation on the road today.

5K for Valentines Day

I am a runner - I may be slow, knock-kneed, a bit tall, and "stocky" for the running world, but I am a runner.  As the weeks go on I am slowly (and I mean slooooowly) gaining confidence in that assertion.  To put my running skills to the test Mike and I signed up for a 5K run the day before Valentine's Day in Cardiff, Wales.

Overall the race was OK.  I never got into a rhythm so felt tired and heavy.  We left Bristol in plenty of time to find the race, get parking, and warm up.  But, construction in the area led to a change in the start/finish line.  I forgot to print off the latest race map so we had to rely on our memories to figure out where to park.  That would have been fine if there had not also been a HUGE rugby match between Wales and Scotland going on the same day in the same location, across the street from the park.  This just made us more confused as to where to go.  But I did enjoy seeing the Scottish fans decked out in amazing kilts and hats, sporting their love of the game and their team (and for some reason I find a man in a kilt very sexy...) 

 

 But we found the parking lot, and a map of the new start/finish line next to the pay station made my nerves calm down for a while.  That is until I realized we were walking on the other side of the river, away from the start.  With only 20 minutes till kick off I was growing cranky, afraid that we were going to miss the whole 5K.  Mike stopped another runner who we thought knew where to go - turns out she is Canadian and also a bit lost (of course we find the one Canadian in Cardiff)!  Needless to say, after a few more inquiries we were pointed in the right direction - to bad the parking lot was a mile way from the start of the race .  Who in the hell plans a race with the parking and start line a third of the distance of the whole race?   So our "warm-up" became a quick jog to the start line.   

Once there we had 2 minutes till the start.  My 1 hour free time had quickly dissipated to 2 minutes.  I don't know why but I was annoyed, agitated, and just wanted to sit down and pout like a little kid.  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  But I got over it once the gun sounded and people took off.  The 5K "fun run" of this larger 10K race was un-chipped meaning I was not going to get an "official" time so I started my stop watch and tried to just take the run as a practice race to test my pacing and see if the illness I suffered from over the past week was going to affect my performance.

It was a nice sunny day  - windy as hell, but nice nonetheless.  I just never got into the run.  It was strange but I could feel the affects of being sick off and on for 3 weeks in my legs.  They...just...wouldn't...GO.  I was in a pack by myself with runners 30 seconds ahead of me and 30 second behind me.  I was hoping for someone near me that I could try to keep up with, using them as my pacer and, if big enough, as a wind guard.  But as luck would have it I was by myself.  After about 27 minutes I had to take a 1 minute walk break.  I couldn't see the finish line and thought I must really be slow.  By 30 minutes I was confused, knowing that the finish must be somewhere close, as there was no way I was running anything slower than 12 minutes/mile.  Then it dawned on me - the damn course was a lot longer than 5 kilometers!  At the 5K point the signs had us turning back to the finish line, another 0.5 miles away!  Including 2 minutes of walking I clocked a 34:58 minute 5K, but 40:30 minute overall race.  I was ok with the 5K time as I just wanted to get my time between 11:20 and 11:30 minutes/mile - a pace I want for the half marathon and one in which I know I can finish the race.  But damn, it would have been nice to know AHEAD OF TIME that the 5K race was actually a bit longer than that.  

As I crossed the finish line I saw Mike there holding a red gift bag.  I came up to him and asked if we got a prize at the end of the race and he looked back at me, smiled, and said "No, I won the 5K and so got a bottle of wine!"  At that moment all the annoyance, tiredness, and fatigue left my body and I gave him a big ass smile.  With a time of 27:36 Mike had managed to cross the finish line before any other 5K fun runner.  Even though I was disappointed a little with my time and the organization of the race, I was so happy for Mike that all that went away.  So I come back to where I started and say again that I am runner.  Although I am slow, knock-kneed, a bit tall and tad "stocky" I can run with the best of them (even if it is a few minutes to the rear).  But Mike gave me some perspective in his victory.  A volunteer made a comment to Mike as he stood waiting for me to cross the finish line.  The guy was excited that Mike won cause, as he put it, "it's nice to see a bigger guy with speed winning these things."  Mike does not have a "typical" runners body.  Although he is leaning out Mike still carries alot of muscle which adds more weight to his body and should, theoretically, slow him down.  Yet it doesn't - the muscle actually gives him endurance and power to kick through a race, making him a serious competitor in sprint races (and I am also a little bias cause I kind of like him).  When I see Mike running with other skinny medal winning runners I think to myself, "self I can run a little bit faster."  So next race I am going to try to do just that and not place myself in this box that says tall, stocky, knock-kneed people can't be good runners.  I'll let you know if it works:)

Health while running

I have 6 weeks until I go to Prague, put my foot on the race line, and attempt to run 13.1 miles in 2 1/2 hours (my goal).  Now, over the past few years I have wanted to do a long distance race.  Don't ask me why but it has always been a dream of mine to compete in endurance races.  To test the limits of my mind and body.  For so long I participated in team sports with games every weekend and practice everyday - a constant state of competition, against other teams in the hopes of a victory and against teammates to keep a spot on the court rather  than the bench.

As I approach 30 years of age in a year I realize I am tired of competition.  I have to compete for funding to do my research, compete to gain and then retain a job.  I don't want or need to compete in sports as well, I just need to push my own limits and "compete" against myself.  What can I do?  How far can I go?  Will my body hold out?  Call me crazy but this excites me much more now than lacing up my gym shoes and stepping onto the volleyball court and proving myself to others.  I miss the sport, don't get me wrong, but my mind and body are just not there anymore.  At this time I find the lure of half marathons, marathons, trial races, ultra races, mountain hiking exciting - I can't suppress the smile as I think about this.

But (and there is always a but) it also seems as if my fear and apprehension is also impeding these dreams.  A few years back I began to train for a marathon while studying in Baton Rouge for my Masters.  I  had begun to focus on my own personal health, loosing weight and taking up running.  But as I began to slowly increase my miles my fears played up and I became "sick" - my body slowly taking on aches and pains that "forced" me to stop running.  Stop I did.  Then in the second year of my Ph.D I began to run again, signing up for 5Ks whenever I could.  I was lean, mean, and tan (well until the winter came) - but again I became "sick."  After a trip to Guatemala I came back and found out I had a parasite that left my stomach in knots - not pretty but not really life threatening (just the runs from time to time).  The doctor said I could run, just not long distances because of the stomach and the fact that my body was not "made" to run.  My knock-knees and tall frame were seen as abnormal for the running world so I gave in and stopped.

Now, I am down 10% body fat and 2 stones (about 28 lbs).  I have been running since September along with weight/bodyweight training and rehabilitation to strengthen my core.  Overall I feel stronger, look better and am enjoying my life.  But (and there is always a but) it seems as if a part of me is trying to sabotage my own goals.  For the last 3 weeks my body is rebelling - first random bruises on my legs and excessive tiredness, then an increased resting heart rate (from 49 to 79), then a sore throat and sore ears with a cough (that likes to kick in when I am sleeping), and today nausea, upset stomach, diarrhoea, and achy joints (I sound like a damn Pepto Bismol commercial).


 It could be I am overtraining or that my drop in body fat is leaving my immune system weak during the winter.  Who knows, but what I do know is that I don't plan to give in.  I paid the entrance fee, bought the plane tickets, booked the hotel, have the training journal with a 12 week plan, and have the drive to finish.  So I guess there is still a competitive edge in me - I can't stand to give up on something that I told everyone I am doing.  Therefore, I'll keep posting on this blog, on Facebook, in emails, on the phone and in person that on March 27, 2010 I will be running a half marathon in Prague with the goal of finishing and proving to myself that I am a runner.

It's Official

No - I'm not pregnant...or engaged.  This is something more important than that. 

You ever get that tight feeling in your stomach when you open up a letter (or email) and realize that whatever you signed up for or did is now official because if it written down? Well, I got that feeling today as I opened an email from the Hervis Prague Half Marathon committee telling me my registration was now "official" (even though I signed up in November), my start number is F1044, and that I am to take this letter with me when I pick up my number and goodie bag.

Looks like I'm running 13.1 miles on March 27, 2010 in Prague and you know what I want to throw up.  I guess it's that mix of fear, excitement, uncertainty, stupidity, and down right anxiety.  Can I make it?  Can I complete the training?  Why am I really doing this?  Will my body hold up?  What the fuck am I thinking (excuse my French, but you know it gives it that extra zing)? 

Really, the training is the hardest part.  Keeping to this half marathon schedule that just looks at me day in and day out when I am in my office working or in the kitchen eating is what worries me the most.  The diagnosis of sciatica from the osteopath with the warning of no weights and no running doesn't help either.  As she worked on my lower back this past Monday thoughts raced through my mind.  I am ok forgoing the intense weight workouts and replacing them with pilates and body weight routines.  To be honest it is better for my joints and should help me in sculpting a physique I desire and can maintain until weights are my friend once again.  But the running - can't let go of it man.  Every time I have said I was to run a half marathon in the past some injury has gotten in the way.  Now some would say that it's a "sign" from "somewhere" that maybe running long distance is not for me.  But, if you know me then you know I see it as a sign that I need to get off my ass, suck it up, log the miles, and run across that damn finish line on March 27 in a city where I have never been.  So, it's official - I'm running 13.1 miles.

Rest

Rest.  This is a word that many of us say. but few of us actually do.  Taking a rest from work, school, working out, hell life in general is a novel ideal - but in practice many of us fall short, seeking the comforts of "keepin busy" in order to complete some unseen goal in the future.  But, after my holiday trip to Spain for X-mas break, I came to fully understand the value and need to rest in regards to my life.  I learned a valuable lesson in the trip - I like my new life and all that it entails and my body liked the rest it got from constant running and lifting.  Let me explain...

I was in Spain for 8 days over X-mas this year with Mike.  Down in Sevilla, we packed clothes and shoes to run and workout.  We had it planned out in advanced: we were to lift 3 times that week and run 3 times, cook most of our meals, and bring food on the plane.  We were going to maintain the lifestyle we stick to in the UK, Period!  But, I forgot one tiny detail...we were not in the UK (and Mike apparently forgot that we were not in Thailand as he sports the lovely American travel outfit on one of the coldest days in Sevilla) and those little comforts of defined familiar footpaths and forests, a gym that we knew how to navigate, the supermarkets with foods we understood and knew, and a kitchen that was stocked with our favorite spices and condiments did not translate into Seville.  Staying at a friends house, the kitchen was great - but it was not ours.  The supermarkets had food - but not the same as what we were finally getting use to in Bristol.  The running paths were there- but the pissing down rain left us unable to explore the city in this fashion.  We found a gym, but the equipment was a little outdated and the treadmill skipped while in motion - not really a good thing when you want to go forward.  Basically, in a city where people work little, smoke lots, and go out to all hours of the morning trying to live a "healthy" lifestyle becomes a bit more work. 

But, Mike and I did walk - we walked and walked -  geo-caching one day in the process.  The walking did me good as I was able to let off steam and little stress - until it pissed rain and my leather shoes gave my blisters, but I digress...  I can't lie, I was a bit worried about my fitness level coming back to the UK.  My half marathon is in 13 weeks, so I will begin a schedule once the New Year starts.  The thought of running 13.1 miles is getting more and more nervous, scared, and excited as the days past.  Can I really afford to not run for 8 days?

Well, I answered my question today and it was a big YES!!  The run on the treadmill felt good, really good, and the hill sprints afterward even better (well then I threw my lower back out after trying to do a damn burpee by the request of my trainer, but I digress).  My body had recovered from the intense 2 1/2 months of workouts by myself and with my trainer.  My legs were fresh, my mind a little clearer, and my enthusiasm increased after realizing that I like my lifestyle back in the UK.  I like working for the organization that I am at, conducting the interviews and hanging out with new people.  I like the hiking I am now doing, exploring new parts of nature that I once before felt were off limits.  I like waking up early and going to bed at a decent hour, forsaking the pubs for a good nights sleep.  And I like the thought of pushing my limits in this race, March 28th 2010.  So overall I can say the "rest" in Sevilla was good because the 4 and 6 am nights really made me see how much I like to sleep and rest during those times.  So as the New Year approaches I still maintain my goal of taking control of my life, in all means and ways possible.  Happy Flippin New Year Everyone!