Just Lean Back

Looking up and then down I realized that I had nowhere else to go.  I feel my legs and lower back becoming stiffer, a result of the strength training session I completed just an hour beforehand.  My arms are heavy from maintaining this position for longer than needed.  I call down "I'm stuck and done."  Brooke shouts back "I got you, just lean back and let go."  My mind starts to race as I imagine myself letting go of the security the wall has to offer, but I have no where else to go!  I can't stay here hanging all day and the place is so damn cold I feel my toes becoming numb.  So I reply "Yes mam" and lean back, putting all faith in the rope and in Brooke.  My feet slowly walk down the wall and I find myself back on the ground.  I just completed my first indoor rock climb (over 1/3 up the climbing wall) and belay down.  And you know what...it was a rush like no other.  I can't suppress the smile that creeps along my face, so I let it stay and ask to go up one more time before we leave.  Last time up, I go just a bit further and then belay down again, ever so gently releasing my fingers from the grips implanted into the wall.  God damn it I think I may just be turning, ever so slowly, into a climber...

Pain in the Ass...literally

My body - it is a strong, powerful, explosive entity that is also fragile, weak, and becoming a big pain in the ass.  I stand at 6 feet 3 inches, a height that is perfect for retrieving items placed in tall places, for shooting balls in various baskets or spiking them across nets, for looking down at students who want to challenge you on a grade you gave them, and for wearing long dresses and flare jeans (if you are woman or just like dressing as well).  But it is not a height made for squatting for long periods of time or for certain gym machines or for airplane seats (don't even get me started on 5'3 passengers who  insist on the exit row seats for 12+ hour flights and my tall ass is relegated to the back in a cramped plane with a beer bellied man in front on me who insists on reclining his seat for the WHOLE DAMN PLANE - but I digress).

But really, I am ok with my "abnormal" female frame.  However, what I am finding out is that this height comes at a price -  a bad back that likes to act up during exercise and now sciatica that leaves me with a pain in me right ass that just won't go away.  Now I am not saying that because I am tall I am destined for back pain.  On the contrary the bad back comes from playing a sport in which my height was valued - one of the few places in which I was comfortable and proud of my stature.  But the constant jumping and explosive moves required on the volleyball court were to much for my frame (that was bigger than is should have been for college sports) and eventually led to a compressed disk and pinch nerve down my right leg.  It was left untreated for 2 years due to incompetent doctors who insisted that "a female of my frame tends to get a lack of feeling in their lower extremities due to muscular over development" or as I now interpret it "you are only a female so you can't really have a serious college sports injury and let's be real you are too freakin tall and we all know tall females are just destined to be in pain so deal with it and that will be $500.  Hope your insurance pays for it."  Essentially, the preconceived notions and stereotypes about tall women led to a misdiagnosis and uninterested in a serious injury that, if I were a man in college sports, who have been taken more seriously.  Challenge me if you like, but I have seen it time and again. 

Once I found a doctor to actually listen to me it was uncovered that I have actually slipped a disc that broke 2 spinous processes in my lower lumbar, pinching my L4 nerve in my right leg leaving me numbness, tingling, and atrophying of the muscle in the right thigh.  I played on that injury my senior year of college as a starting right-side and co-captain and was made to feel as if I were making up the pain.  When I finally received that diagnosis I was actually glad because if finally proved that the pain was not in my head or because of my "abnormal" height, but in my back.  5 years since that diagnosis the pain is chronnic, but manageable as the discs in question healed themselves by shrinking, leaving 2 flat black discs in place of the once full white ones.  That helped alleviate the pressure on my nerve giving me back a little feeling in the leg but forcing me to quit the sport that I love due to the lack of stability and cushioning in my lower.  In place of organized team sports that involve pounding someone or something I moved on to individual sports that test my own physical and mental endurance, starting with this half marathon and entry-level mountain climbing. 

Yet, my body is not as strong as it needs to be to handle this level of pounding.  Hence the sciatica - a consequence of my body adapting again to my weakened lower back by tucking  my pelvis bones under to handle more load.  That worked for while, but when I decided to stop being lazy and start working out again the running and lifting proved to much to quick and my body let me know with a sharp pain in my ass and knee that left me frozen in agony just before the New Year in a training session.

What do I do now?  What I have now been told is that I need to stand taller and elongate my frame to alleviate the sciatica ass pain - a concept that I already knew but is now making me comes to terms more with my height.  After every osteopath session I leave standing taller - her manipulations allows my spine to straighten more and the muscles relax.  I feel good standing taller - I can breathe deeper and my digestion functions better.  With pilates as my rehab prescription (which I start tomorrow and should be interesting) I am guaranteed to stand even taller as my core becomes a stronger part of this body.  I will have to come face-to-face and reconcile with my height - which in itself may be a big pain in the ass.  Bring it on.

Give Back

Haiti has been hit by a massive earthquake with devastating consequences.  The New York Times, CNN, and The Times London are all reporting an estimate of at least 100,000 dead and more still to come.  The pictures are shocking, leaving many to tears as the world is given photographic evidence of the pain and suffering.  In these times of crisis it is up to everyone to come together and pool resources to help those in need.  Yes, in a month's time the people of Haiti will most likely be forgotten by the media and push to the back of people's minds.  But, for now we must stop the cynical nature and push forth a more humane view.  So, what can you do to help?


DONATE:  Whether it is money, time, clothes, food.  Everyone can help by giving. If money is short and you have a family to feed then look through your closets/wardrobes and see what you haven't worn in a while and give it the Salvation Army, Red Cross, Goodwill, or any other body that is giving aid to Haiti.  Look through your cupboards and food that can be spared don't throw away - just give it to a charity.  And if you have an extra $5 or $10 lying around then put to good use and send it to a local group you know will help in this time.  Please, let us not forget that apart of being human is to be humane and the people of Haiti need some humanity. 


Places to Donate:
1) Partners in Health 


2) The Red Cross 


3) Doctors Without Borders or in the UK go here  


4) In the US Wyclef Jeans' Yele organization will allow you to text 501501 to donate and the sum will be added to your next phone bill


5) The Disaster Emergency Committee

6) Any other local group you know that is giving relief to Haiti


I know some of you wish you could go and give your help on the ground, but if that is not possible at this time then give your support through money, clothes, supplies.  In the future remember these emotions and channel them into volunteering and community help either abroad or at home.  We can't forget the humanity part of being human - something that happens far to often.  If you have anymore organizations you know of then please share.  Have a good day

Mind Block

I sit here today unable to do work.  I try and try, but my mind just floats away to ideas far removed from the article I am trying to enter in EndNote on theories of citizenship and liberal democracy in the UK (but really whose wouldn't given the content).  What am I thinking about...what else...LIFE.

I am having one of those weeks (and it's only Wednesday) where I really don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life.  I am running despite the cautions from my osteopath and for the most part that is going well.  I have signed up for a 5K road race and 10K trail race in February with Mike - again two events that I am looking forward to and plan to do well in.  But, the other parts of my life I am feeling unsettled.  Research is good - I can't complain to be honest. I have interviews done with more to come, a good work environment that will only help the ethnography, a few talks lined up, support for article publications, and at least one grant in progress and waiting for the outcome of another grant in April.  But when I look at that sentence I am not excited - grants, articles, reading all day long in a room by myself, writing (well I quite like the writing so that's ok).  Maybe it is this new found pleasure I have gotten in my bones for the outdoors that is leaving my anxious or maybe its the weather with its short days and long nights.  I don't know but I want to DO something other than research and I want to do it now.

But, you don't always get what you want when you want it and I can be an impatient person.  So I will keep sitting here, plugging away at this article and chipping away at the research that will ultimately get me a Ph.D by May 2011.  What I found out though is that by me really putting myself out there and doing activities I never thought I could do I am finding my past plans for my future to be quite dull and not fulling- which I guess is the growing up process.  I don't think I can spend the rest of my life just "doing" research.  Why would I when there is more of a world out there to explore?  This is making me more and more antsy - it is like my body is revolting against this chair and desk routine that I have been performing over the past 10 years.  Sitting for too long makes the sciatica act up, but moving all day makes the pain go away.  My tall frame can't handle the slouching for hours on end as I write and read more and more theory, policy, and grants.  Maybe I need a poster like this on my wall to keep me going.

Hell, who knows but I guess it is time to get back to what makes me some money and lets me keep my visa.  Now where am I..."feminist framework criticized liberal citizenship models, and their egalitarian theories of distributive justice, as gender blind and androcentric..." oh screw it I think I'll get a cup of tea first....

Holiday Challenge RESULTS

So around 50 days ago I wrote about a holiday challenge I was participating in.  Well, the holidays have come and gone and with them so have 13 lbs been lost, 4.5% body fat gone, 7.75 inches lost, 1.84 lbs lean muscle gained and 16.44 lbs of FAT SHED from my body frame!!!!  If you haven't guessed I am a little excited because since I began to focus on my health and body fat September 24, 2009 I have dropped (and don't want to pick back up) 26 lbs and 8.79% body fat.

But, what makes this time around so different you might ask?  I actually am doing it the right way for the first time.  That makes a huge impact on lifestyle changes, allowing me to change my attitude and relationship with food.  In the past I focused on weight loss programs that only dealt with food and discouraging exercise.  Then I worked at two weight loss camps that, although encouraged exercise, did not allow me to function in the "real world" of balancing a new lifestyle with the stress of school and work. So once I left that safe environment, over time, the weight piled on and the workouts became less.  Now, I am working - collecting data for my dissertation, writing grants, drafting articles, compiling presentations, and interning with a local third sector organization.  To be honest, it is a lot but I am learning to balance that workload with other activities - running, hiking, attempting to learn to climb (with attempting being the key word) - that keep me sane and allow me to see the bigger picture.  Life is not all about work, and this is something that is so easy to lose sight of.  I don't need to devout all waking hours to reading, research, and writing and I can still be a "good successful anthropologist/academic" (whatever the hell that means).  More importantly, I am learning that I don't need to sacrifice my health and happiness to succeed - cause really what is the point of "success" if you are constantly tired and miserable, and is that even really "success"? 

The Tom Venuto book, Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle and The Body Fat Solution were saving graces for me when I first moved to the UK in September.  I have read a lot of the self-help New Age style books like The Secret, part of A New Earth, and The Art of Happiness that talk about the need to be in the present moment and the realize that your thoughts will dictate your future so you need to change your thoughts in order to "be happy."  Now for the most part I get it (well not really A New Earth as I thought he was all over the place, but that will be a BIG digression if I go there so I am not) but it didn't really sink in.  Then I picked up, and finally read, The Body Fat Solution...and you know, I had on of those light bulb moments.  The idea that I needed to set goals, set realistic dates to achieve those goals, and to think about "shedding fat" instead of constantly telling myself that I am "fat", were all factors in my success of ultimate health that made sense.  He focused on the mind first and then set off on the body which most programs neglect.  Then going back and reading his first book Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle gave me all the steps to put those goals in action. 

As the holidays came and went I finally see that I can enjoy life, have some fun, but stick to my own convictions and treat my body in a respectable manner.  This really came out of this challenge and my long and short terms goals of pushing my boundaries.  That is why I wrote the Push-over piece yesterday.  For a long time I was a push-over in my resolve to stick to a healthy life style change - one slip up and I would say screw it and go back to food and drink as a comfort, even though it only made me more uncomfortable.  So to Tom Venuto I say thank you for doing this challenge and helping me to show myself that I can do it.  By August 21, 2010 I should have reached one of my long term goals of fat loss with further goals to come.

Pushover

The dictionary definition of a pushover is someone who is easily taken advantage of.  Now, usually I would not describe myself in these terms, but looking back on past friendships and thinking about future endeavors I have come to realize that I can be a HUGE pushover.  And you know what, I really don't like it.  It is something that has been with me since I was young, afraid of loosing "friends" if I stood up for myself or put my own needs first.  As a result I learned to put on a tough exterior to those I did not know, but the few that I allowed myself to get close to I cowered and allowed them to use me as a dumping ground for their own problems and emotions.

Well, I figure if I really want to take back my life and make it the best one for me then I can't keep doing this.  Really, it comes down to me taking a good hard look at myself and realizing that I am good enough.  Ah, now memories of Oprah and her "self love" days come back to mind.  While I won't go hug myself and say "I am special, I am worthy" (although I can be a little special now and then) I am going to stop investing so much time in people that can't return some of the investment back.  I mean I figure that is what a friendship is - mutual caring and understanding for another.  More than that I realize that as I get older I need to start believing in myself.  I don't know, graduate school on one hand has torn me down and made me have to stand strong to my thoughts in order to survive the back stabbing, idea stealing, ego-centric world that comprises academia.  Yet, on the other hand it has also made me doubt more and more my own self worth - which is just not cool on all levels.  I have found that I am more cautious then I need to be, trying to make sure I have someone agree with me or not make to strong of an assertion because I will be shut down automatically or people just won't like me.  It's funny I can get so passionate and strong willed when I start to talk about issues of race, nation, injustice, education, politics but then I can be such a flippin wimp when a "friend" decides to "confide" in me about all their problems and tell me all their dramas but could care less to hear about my life.  It is so emotionally and physically draining that I just can't do it anymore.  The power of "No" has to enter my mind and come out my mouth, so I guess this is my New Years Resolution a few days late.  And really, I don't need everyone to like me or I like everyone - just respect and mutual understanding is really all one can ask for.

Honestly, this is hard to write but sometimes facing yourself and your own demons/issues/problems is a bitch.  But, it is necessary and after last years wave of depression and self deprecation I don't, and can't, go down that road again.  I am sure all of us have gone through waves of this in some form or another.  I think this is why I needed to get out of Michigan, start fresh, and realize I can make friends outside of a preconceived academic environment, that I can be fun and not have to rely solely on my "intellect", and that I am overall a good person who happens to be a little too nice sometimes.  That is not a bad thing - I just need to remember my own interests and social, mental, and physical health.  So I guess it comes down to balancing self-care and remembering that nice doesn't have to equal pushover.

It's Official

No - I'm not pregnant...or engaged.  This is something more important than that. 

You ever get that tight feeling in your stomach when you open up a letter (or email) and realize that whatever you signed up for or did is now official because if it written down? Well, I got that feeling today as I opened an email from the Hervis Prague Half Marathon committee telling me my registration was now "official" (even though I signed up in November), my start number is F1044, and that I am to take this letter with me when I pick up my number and goodie bag.

Looks like I'm running 13.1 miles on March 27, 2010 in Prague and you know what I want to throw up.  I guess it's that mix of fear, excitement, uncertainty, stupidity, and down right anxiety.  Can I make it?  Can I complete the training?  Why am I really doing this?  Will my body hold up?  What the fuck am I thinking (excuse my French, but you know it gives it that extra zing)? 

Really, the training is the hardest part.  Keeping to this half marathon schedule that just looks at me day in and day out when I am in my office working or in the kitchen eating is what worries me the most.  The diagnosis of sciatica from the osteopath with the warning of no weights and no running doesn't help either.  As she worked on my lower back this past Monday thoughts raced through my mind.  I am ok forgoing the intense weight workouts and replacing them with pilates and body weight routines.  To be honest it is better for my joints and should help me in sculpting a physique I desire and can maintain until weights are my friend once again.  But the running - can't let go of it man.  Every time I have said I was to run a half marathon in the past some injury has gotten in the way.  Now some would say that it's a "sign" from "somewhere" that maybe running long distance is not for me.  But, if you know me then you know I see it as a sign that I need to get off my ass, suck it up, log the miles, and run across that damn finish line on March 27 in a city where I have never been.  So, it's official - I'm running 13.1 miles.