Wednesday, September 15, 2010


You ever get that feeling of suffocating?  You know when you throat starts to slowly close and your breathe becomes short.  When you can't seem to focus and all you want is one full gasp of air.  I sometimes feel like I am suffocating.  Like I can't just get a full intake of air.  My body is constantly tense, my neck a tight mess.  The feeling of being trapped takes over and I just want to scream and run out, but I don't know where.

I don't write here alot anymore because my days are filled with endless writing for school and work.  By the time I am done I am so mentally and physically tired my body reacts with feelings of nausea and fatigue.  With headaches and body pain.  I finally saw a specialist for my pain.  I hoped it would just be a muscular imbalance, but he gently explained it was actually a mental and emotional one.  By body is reaching out to me and telling me to stop. The constant ache does not go away, but rather is there day after day...after day, reminding me that I need to stop and try to play.  But I am forgetting how - and I don't know when I will be able to really just sit, relax, and allow my body and mind the rest it needs.

I don't want to call it a depression...I guess I am in a recession.  That downward spike that will naturally occurs in any economy when there has been too many years of excess.  I don't know when that excess occurred but it must have -  I think.  If not then maybe I am preparing myself for a new horizon..a new game...a new something.  But for now I try and keep me head up high enough so that I can gasp the air I need now and then.

 I go back and forth with the idea of yoga - can I really fit in something else?  Can I try and learn something new?  Will this be the answer to my pains?  Will this allow me to become enlightened?  To find my direction?  No...I am already seeing my running as another chore, another thing I must "do".  Most of the time I just want to Fuck It and start anew.  Start anew.  Start anew.  I think I just want someone to talk to...

1 comment:

Meg said...

i'm sorry your feeling that way :( i think we've all been there--i know i have at least and can totally relate and understand. just think about how damn good you'll feel next year when you're finished with your 100 yrs of school!...and call me if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever.