Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I sit here today unable to do work. I try and try, but my mind just floats away to ideas far removed from the article I am trying to enter in EndNote on theories of citizenship and liberal democracy in the UK (but really whose wouldn't given the content). What am I thinking about...what else...LIFE.
I am having one of those weeks (and it's only Wednesday) where I really don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life. I am running despite the cautions from my osteopath and for the most part that is going well. I have signed up for a 5K road race and 10K trail race in February with Mike - again two events that I am looking forward to and plan to do well in. But, the other parts of my life I am feeling unsettled. Research is good - I can't complain to be honest. I have interviews done with more to come, a good work environment that will only help the ethnography, a few talks lined up, support for article publications, and at least one grant in progress and waiting for the outcome of another grant in April. But when I look at that sentence I am not excited - grants, articles, reading all day long in a room by myself, writing (well I quite like the writing so that's ok). Maybe it is this new found pleasure I have gotten in my bones for the outdoors that is leaving my anxious or maybe its the weather with its short days and long nights. I don't know but I want to DO something other than research and I want to do it now.
But, you don't always get what you want when you want it and I can be an impatient person. So I will keep sitting here, plugging away at this article and chipping away at the research that will ultimately get me a Ph.D by May 2011. What I found out though is that by me really putting myself out there and doing activities I never thought I could do I am finding my past plans for my future to be quite dull and not fulling- which I guess is the growing up process. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life just "doing" research. Why would I when there is more of a world out there to explore? This is making me more and more antsy - it is like my body is revolting against this chair and desk routine that I have been performing over the past 10 years. Sitting for too long makes the sciatica act up, but moving all day makes the pain go away. My tall frame can't handle the slouching for hours on end as I write and read more and more theory, policy, and grants. Maybe I need a poster like this on my wall to keep me going.
Hell, who knows but I guess it is time to get back to what makes me some money and lets me keep my visa. Now where am I..."feminist framework criticized liberal citizenship models, and their egalitarian theories of distributive justice, as gender blind and androcentric..." oh screw it I think I'll get a cup of tea first....