Sleep

I miss sleep.  That peaceful time of the night when your body is relaxed, your mind is at ease, and the comfort and ease of sleep takes over.  Lately, anxiety and worry has interrupted this bliss causing my resting heart rate and blood pressure to increase - even as my body gets in better shape (which is a big pain in the ass if you ask me). The minute I close my eyes my mind begins to race and my body tighten as thoughts of money, career, research, life all enter at once.  One image jumps to the next and I am left with a body and mind that feels more exhausted once the next day appears.  Coupled with the lack of sunshine I feel as if I wake up and go to bed in the dark.

Bottom line, money is tight as it is for everyone.  Although I know that the move to Bristol was a much needed one for Mike and myself I can't help but wonder if I made a mistake in allowing Mike to quit a good paying job in Michigan and come to a country that is still in the mists of an economic recession (and then come to the part of the country that has been hit the worst by the economic downturn).  We are stronger  as a couple, but the strain financial and mentally on me to sustain the household is wearing me thin.  I am now maxed out at 20 hours a week - all the hours my visa will allow me to work - on top of the 20-30 hours a week I spend on my own research plus the training for the half marathon and the rehab for my back.  Mike is looking and looking, but the doors are just not opening.  I mean even B&Q (the Home Depot of the UK) turned him down, telling Mike his personality was to big for a job working the till!  So he continues everyday to look for jobs, making calls to everyone he can in the hopes of landing a position.  Honestly, things could be a lot worse and I am glad for the support I am getting from my mom which is unexpected and unusual considering our up and down relationship. 

But in the meantime I have to learn how to not worry so much.  As I get closer to my goal of graduating in May 2011 I get more and more scared.  How am I going to finish?  Will I get a job?  Why did I decide to do a Ph.D. in Anthropology (well hell at least it is not in Philosophy or Romance Languages)?  How in the hell am I going to pay off my MASSIVE student loans if I don't get a job?  Will I be able to stay in the UK?  Can I see myself back in the US?  I mean WTF?!!!!  I know, I know a little manic but really all I want is to sleep.

 

In the meantime I guess I just have to think positive.  That is really all I can do.  I can keep on working -through this job I am learning so much more and applying the skills I obtained in school to a "real world" job which hopefully will make me more marketable.   To be honest, without Mike I couldn't do any of the things I am doing now.  His support keeps me going day in and day out and for that I am deeply grateful.  In the end this should all pay off - but for now I will try to sleep and take each day on step at a time.  Good night...